Signs as grocery shoppers

Aries

Speed-walks the aisles like it’s a competitive sport. No list. No plan. Leaves with energy drinks, frozen dumplings, and a single lime.

Taurus

Famers market or nothing. Will wait in line for $24 for artisanal honey. Leaves with imported cheese, heirloom tomatoes, and zero regrets.

Gemini

Talks to three strangers, calls a friend mid-aisle, and narrates their internal debate out loud. Leaves with snacks, gossip, and maybe shampoo?

Cancer

Has a handwritten list, a reusable tote, and a deep emotional attachment to the cashier named Greg. Buys soup ingredients just in case.

Leo

Dressed like someone might be filming them. Buys the prettiest produce, fancy sparkling water, and flowers—for themselves, obviously.

Virgo

The cart is color-coded. The list is alphabetized. The produce is weighed. Somehow checks out in under six minutes with zero social interaction.

Libra

Spends 45 minutes in the wine aisle reading label fonts. Buys oat milk, a baguette, and four things they’ll return tomorrow out of principle.

Scorpio

Knows the store layout better than the employees. Never makes eye contact. Leaves with protein, blackberries, and something mysterious in a paper bag.

Sagittarius

Forgets the list. Buys three types of hot sauce, a pineapple, and a family-sized trail mix. Leaves with new life goals and a travel itch.

Capricorn

Efficient. Budget-conscious. Already meal-planned and did the math. Buys in bulk and judges your name-brand granola.

Aquarius

Impulse-buys mushroom jerky, kombucha, and toothpaste tablets. Brings their own container for bulk quinoa. Has thoughts about late-stage capitalism.

Pisces

Wanders aimlessly. Buys whatever “feels right.” Leaves with lavender tea, goat cheese, and a candle shaped like a moon.